Who to Root for in the World Cup, Now that the USA is Out

Thanks to Tim Howard, Klinsmann, and the young Americans – this country has garnered respect from everyone. From bringing the most fans to Brazil, to getting out of the group of death, to salvaging that Belgium game – the USA is a team to be prepared for and watched. Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, the USA is not a team to be feared yet, but we have to work on that.

This might be the alignment of stars, but with the increasing caution of head injuries in American Football, and the ridiculous genetics needed to be a pro basketball player, soccer might have gained the popularity it needed this World Cup. Children might be pushed a little bit harder in the soccer direction through high school, labeling it not only safer, but also patriotic.

The next World Cup is four years away; the Women’s World Cup is next year in Canada (the US is favored!); and we have a lot of work to do to get the MLS to the next level, but let’s not back out of this World Cup viewing party like Joffrey in the Battle of the Blackwater. We can learn a lot from these powerhouses and Costa Rica.


WAIT, you can’t go into these next rounds without a team to root for!


I have stayed up all night crunching numbers and pouring liquids into beakers to devise reasons each of these 8 teams deserve your allegiance for the next couple of weeks. It is up to you to decide which one.



  • Lionel Messi – He has 4 goals, 1 assist in 4 games.
  • Lionel Messi – Seriously, he is arguably the best player in the world. He is tiny, like smaller than Dustin Pedroia tiny, and still amazing. Children of the USA, are you watching??
  • They have to play Belgium, who knocked the USA out. AVENGE US.
  • Dinosaurs love Argentina. The Giganotosaurus lived there.
  • Disney was said to be inspired by Quirino Cristiani.
  • Che Guevara
  • Argentina is the only country who is more skeptical of the US government than we are. (19% approval rate in the 2012 US Global Leadership Report)


  • They beat us, so if they win it all, we look pretty good!
  • The US saved Belgium a bunch of times; they owe us some good PR. (WWI, WWII, Marshall Plan)
  • Belgium makes over 800 kinds of beers.
  • Waffles
  • The Saxophone
  • Their national soccer team’s nickname is the Red Devils. That’s pretty metal.


  • You can act like you’ve always loved soccer!
  • Brazil is soccer.
  • Most Brazilian soccer players go by one, easy to say, catchy name. That’s pretty easy. I mean look at this roster: Neymar, Hulk, Fred, Oscar, David Luiz (ok, two names, but c’mon), Bernard, Jo.
  • Did you see that? HULK. He’s huge, he’s fast, he’s good.
  • Neymar is pretty fun to watch, even with that hairstyle.
  • Brazil is the party zone of South America
  • Brazil was the first country to propose invocation of Inter-American Treaty of Reciprocal Assistance after 9/11 – they basically were the first to formally say they had our back. (even though they didn’t help us on the War on Terror and opposed the Bush administration)


  • They are one of the two big underdogs left – we all love those movies!
  • They are a fun, fearless, young team that goes all out 24/7.
  • Shakira
  • Named after Christopher Columbus
  • 12% of the world’s coffee is from Colombia. I thank you. *sip*
  • They have 15 major volcanoes and have a ton of earthquakes, but they still just chill there like everything’s cool.
  • They could beat Brazil, and you’ll be that guy.

resize_imageCosta Rica

  • The EXTREME underdogs of the tournament. Speaking of, why did Klinsmann show Any Given Sunday before the USA/Belgium game as the pump-up flick? Literally ANYTHING is better than that.
  • The US has always been cool with Costa Rica, they have literally done nothing uncool.
  • It’s a tiny country; it could fit in Lake Michigan. We have to help out the lil’ guy!
  • They don’t have an army.
  • People live to be an average of 77 years old in Costa Rica. They know longevity and might share their secrets if we root for them.
  • Women do not take their husband’s name. They ride-or-die with their maiden names for life. Hardcore.
  • They have the longest standing democracy in Central America. They learned from the best!


  • Their colors are the same, but backwards. We can use the same clothes!
  • French Fries
  • Napoleon sold us Louisiana after taking it from Spain.
  • President Hollande is a pretty cool guy. He supports our actions in Syria and visited the US. (first French President to do so in 20+ years)
  • The French government gives medals to citizens who have “successfully raised several children with dignity.”
  • You can marry a dead person and there is only one stop sign in Paris. Hardcore.
  • France is considered the most depressed country on the planet; they need some help. (Bloomberg in 2011)


  • Our largest ancestry in America is German (15% according to the Census Bureau)
  • Bruce Willis, Donald Trump, Dale Earnhardt, Meryl Streep, Jon Voight, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sandra Bullock, Dwight D Eisenhower, and Herbert Hoover are all German-American.
  • Without Wernher von Braun, no NASA.
  • Gummy Bears
  • Oktoberfest
  • Germans are pretty good at soccer and if they win it all, America looks good!

NETH0001The Netherlands

  • Literally no one in America knows if we refer to them as the Dutch or the Netherlands or the Nethys, so mysterious.
  • They have the same colors as us, so same clothes!
  • They wear orange for the royal family.
  • The Mayflower departed from the Netherlands.
  • Van Persie had the goal of the World Cup so far, and he’s just a cool dude.
  • 70% of the world’s bacon comes from the Netherlands. (This might be the best reason on here.)
  • Graves are leased, not sold. Hardcore.
  • 86% of the population speaks English – convenient.


Tweet me @DillonJLowery and tell me which country you are rooting for!



Filed under Sports

2 responses to “Who to Root for in the World Cup, Now that the USA is Out

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